My favorite way to watch Fox News is on mute using my imagination
So, not a lot of people outside of close friends and family know this, but recently I was approached by a big company that wanted to fly me out to LA to do a small segment as part of a pre-Emmy redcarpet special thingy.
I wasn’t ultimately chosen, probably because my ideas were terrible, but also because i live on the other side of the country and truly, my ideas were terrible (one such idea involved taking headshots of actors in each category and combining them into headshot monsters and making them fight each other don’t-ask-me-how-I-hadn’t-figured-that-out-yet).
I’m not bitter.
Disappointed, yes, but not bitter. Disappointed not only because it would’ve been a grand adventure flying to LA, meeting a bunch of new people, and experiencing a massive anxiety attack live on camera, but also because I was actually excited to do some pre-Emmy coverage 4 tha blog.
Well fuck it imma do it anyway.
So without further ado I present to you the totally unsponsored and undesired:
BADTVBLOG TOTALLY NOT BITTER ABOUT NOT GOING TO The EMMY AWARDS PRE-PRESHOw Imaginary Red Carpet EXtravaganza
Who do we have coming down the red carpet first, oh my gosh it’s Jon Hamm looking like a wax statue of himself.
Jon tell me, what if your hands were actually hams? And you got really hungry one day and couldn’t decide whether or not to eat them and a paparazzi walking by comes over and instead of taking a picture he sits down next to you, leans in, pats you on the back and whispers “I get it.”
Jon Hamm’s ham hands.
Oh my god Lizzy Caplan you look beautiful and you’re nominated for best lead female actress in a drama. You deserve every award you are an acting goddess and I’m not even being sarcastic I am literally this excited for you. I haven’t watched your show but I loved you on True Blood and Party Down and everything else I’ve ever seen you in.
Mean Girls. You should win because Mean Girls.
Oh Kevin Spacey please if you have a moment I’d like to ask you a few questions while you look like a ventriloquist dummy sitting on an invisible man’s lap.
Nominated for best lead male in House of Cards. Everybody I know who doesn’t watch tv but watches House of Cards says you were amazing and gave the best performance of the year.
What was your character if it was so great, huh? Was it a dragon? Oh it was an old white guy, wow. That’s cool too I bet it really took a lot of mental strength to imagine what that’s like.
(Bracing for impact from that epic slam)
Bryan Cranston nominated for an Emmy for Breaking Bad even though the show has been off the air for 100 years now. Bryan we continue to bow to your accomplishments and leave offerings to the immortal spirit of Vince Gilligan’s scripting paw. If we sacrifice everything we hold dear will we be free to admire other shows for their brilliance or will the first children born on Mars be awarding best drama to Breaking Bad and best comedy to Modern Family as the ashes of us here currently decompose further into the matter from which we came?
Oh look it’s all the best guest actor/actress nominees riding up to the event together like a parade!
Don’t talk to them, any of them. Don’t even make eye contact.
You don’t get an award for being a guest, okay? You should be lucky you got invited to the party. It’s someone else’s party, they did all the work you just showed up late and ate all the guacamole. Don’t you touch that award. Shew, shew.
OMG nominated for best supporting actor can you hug me so I can feel the warmth and heal my fragile emotional wounds in your beard? Ahh yes, I’m at peace now. Comforted, wrapped in subtle wisdoms of the universe prodded by stubble.
We are all vibrations and in this moment everything is Patinkin.
I accept this award on his behalf, because we are all Patinkin, every living creature. Every living creature except for the other actors in this category that didn’t win you all are losers.
Except Tyrion Lannister you are most certainly a winner.
Stay tuned for more Emmy Red Carpet coverage from my basement before the event even happens and from about as far away from LA as Americanly possible. Actually don’t stay tuned I ain’t getting paid I’m probably gonna go watch a shitty movie on xbox video or something.
Heart emojis forever. Don’t watch anything that sucks in a not hilarious way. I’ll make it to the red carpet some day. Or not.
Forever unfamously yours,
Have you seen the Mr. Clean ad where it gives Mr. Clean’s origin story?
His origin story is he was abandoned as a baby, and he’s always liked to clean. That’s it. That’s his entire story.
So I decided to come up with some better ones which I have listed below:
He was captured during WWI and subjected to torturous Nazi experiments replacing his blood with laundry detergent resulting in fingers that spritz stain remover.
He is a super human from another planet and his kryptonite is Cheetos dust.
Born to a family of hoarders, his parents were killed while he was walking home from a play and they were at home inhaling rat shit and dead cat smells. Since then he has sought vengeance against, well, rat shit and dead cat smells.
Mother drank bleach and tried to abort him with a mop but he fought back and swore to use those two for good.
He fell into the wrong group and became a neo-nazi skin head in college never cleaning his dishes until he got a Black roommate who saved his life, laser removed all his swastikas, and taught him the power of love and dish soap.
He’s just a buff dude with alopecia and seriously debilitating OCD who had his lips sewn together I don’t know why this one had to take such a dark turn? …but it did.
In the beginning Zeus created two men who were to be the gods of cleanliness: Mr. Clean and the Brawny Paper Towel Man. They fell in love, moved in together, and now share the most remarkably spotless 2 bedroom apartment known to man.
"Finntouch-The Hottest Tabloid in Ooo"
I wanted to take a nap today but I also wanted to make this. Now I’m sleepy.
Available for 15.99 from Jackthreads which is hands down my favorite way to buy clothes (you get 5$ off if you’re new to Jackthreads and you click the above link so double bonus).
Season 8 premieres tonight at 10est —should be the perfect post-debate mind eraser!
The cast of Malcolm in the Middle reunite to say their final goodbyes. RIP Dewey.
Editor’s Note: That is not actually what is happening here but feel free to delete this part when reblogging so we can start an internet legend that Dewey died because he suffered from the disease that Robin Williams had in that movie where he ages really fast.
Opening this Friday, September 7th at the brand new Bottleneck Gallery in Brooklyn, New York is “More Than You Imagined: Art Inspired by Premium Cable.” The show looks quite exciting and features a good handful of SE favorites. If you’re in Brooklyn be sure and stop by. Click here for more information.
Oh good, we’re starting with Farrah this episode. Let’s just jump right in. Firstly - good lord is Farrah’s neighbor gross. Also, “he has a dog so I think I kind of like him” may not be the best reasoning to date someone. And onto their date. Is that a Tapout shirt? Excellent choice. He basically is embodying the state of Florida in every way but is also somehow STILL too good for Farrah. It’s Farrah’s birthday and Sophia squeaking happy birthday at her is pretty adorable. They then get escorted around the zoo and ride a carousel with no music which wildly offends Farrah. Tapout Mcgoo takes her to dinner where she sexily eats ribs and says what she likes least about Florida is how relaxed poeple are.
Also, she immediately leaves Sophia with a rando neighbor to go on her date. Come on, Farrah, did you learn nothing from Casey Anthony’s obviously fake story? You don’t leave your tiny baby with a random neighbor! Anyway, Tapout continues to ask her asinine questions about god knows what and I hate them both.
Butch is getting out of jail and staying with Tyler and Catelynn. Butch is somehow 100x butchier than he was the last go around, and I’m not even sure how that’s possible. Is he actively trying to look and act like a horrifically old Joe Dirt? Butch is again being a terrible person and not checking in with Tyler and doing what he wants, and should probably just get out of my precious Tyler’s life immediately.
Butch finally comes back after like, days out, and eats pizza and is breaking Tyler’s heart. He’s like oh it won’t happen again but we’re all pretty sure it’s gonna happen in the next episode, right? Right.
Okay, I take it back, JJ the hot rehab dude isn’t that hot from far away. I now think his hotness is an optical illusion created by sitting close to Amber. She is still sporting that face diamond, and apparently self tanner is not contraband in rehab. Good to know. Gary and Leah come to visit Amber. Amber is dressed up in her Miss Piggy finest, and Gary’s wearing his very best Brooklyn Hunting Club t-shirt (that’s not a thing), but at least in California it’s actually t-shirt weather. Amber and Gary go to therapy with the fake hot rehab guy, who now looks like a goddamn model sitting near Gary.
As per usual they get nothing accomplished and Amber storms off in a huff, saying Gary wears his heart where his dick is? Come on, that doesn’t even make sense. Also, ew. Also I stopped paying attention and I think Amber asked Gary to go steady? Is that still a thing? Again…ew.
Maci is on a dream vacation with Ryan, Ryan’s awesome tattoo, and Dallas. She’s dressed like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad but that’s cool I guess.
So she shows up with her army of skanks to meet Dallas, who all stand around probably making Dallas wildly uncomfortable. Bentley cries when Ryan leaves, which is totally how I feel when Ryan’s not in the scene anymore too. Bentley expresses this by peeing on Maci. Well done, Bentley. That’s a classic Ryan move if I’ve ever seen one. It’s then family photo time, in which Maci makes the classy choice of rocking a bandana. I’m 99% sure I have that shirt that Dallas is wearing, and dare I say it…Dallas seems kind of cool? Or like a total instigator that’s trying to stir up drama between Maci and Ryan by making them all go out together? Hard to say. But we have the same shirt, so I’m leaning towards cool.
Maci and her army of skanks go to dinner before going out, and it becomes increasingly clear that Maci is planning on eating Dallas alive. Ryan is like uhhh no w’ere not and it marks the first good decision Ryan has ever made.
So, guys, what do we think? Is Butch somehow more horrifying or is it just me? Do you still go steady with people? Namely, Gary? How bad does this season of The Real World look?
All the other kids had facts like “loves riding roller coasters” and “likes to play jokes on friends.” Not Tray.
This is the American Idol finale I did not edit this. This is really how it aired. I would not lie to you ever.