"There are 300 billion blogs in our galaxy and this here is the shittiest."
Hello and welcome to episode 3 of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s “Cosmos.” Come along and let’s learn some facts and be amazed and rub our bodies against pictures of Neil deGrasse Tyson together.
Ep 3: “Neil Gets a Chubby.”
Neil picks up a baby. The baby is us —humanity. Neil is our ever knowing and always loving god.
Look how delicately he holds us. He loves us. We love him. Praise be to Tyson.
The theme of this episode is not babies or how Neil is actually God himself but rather humanity’s history of looking to the stars for meaning and order.
I don’t know what kind of order that is, an ostrich? Space Ostrich?
Oh good a thumbs down, boo space ostrich!
While stars were easy to order, comets on the other hand— those made people freak the fuck out. Like in that Britney Spears music video about the world ending except less partying and more virgin sacrificing.
But more about comets later, Neil wants to introduce us to a friend of his.
Oh it’s John Orc or something (Jan Oort, I googled it later). He invented the Orc cloud (Oort) in addition to several other fascinating not-that-fascinating discoveries. Neil’s pretty siked about him though and tries to convince us he’s awesome. It kinda feels like we’re being set up on a date or something.
Neil spreads the guilt on thick about us not knowing who Orc is. He invented like thirteen things, if only he murdered someone then maybe we would recognize his name.
"History says she wants a good guy but then she only remembers bad guys.” -Orc
His hologram disintegrates and whatever his name was is once again lost in the shadowy depths of history’s friendzone. Who was he again? Some murderless loser who cares bring on the bad boys!
This kid looks promising with that sly eye. Wonder what he’s looking at through that telescope? Probably some titties.
His name is Halley, but pronounced “Hay-lee” like Haylie Duff, not “Hal-ee” like Halle Berry. They both have nice skin though, Hay-lee and Hal-ee. I’m pretty sure they never have to tan they just go from winter to summer and throw on a bathing suit and are done with it. Anyways one night Hay-lee looks up into the sky and comes up with this sweet catchphrase.
Curses: told you there was ‘bout to be some bad boys.
I am not making this part up “hell’s bells” is really what he says. Many years later while recording a map of all the previously unknown stars in the night sky Hay-lee uses it again probably in attempts to solidify himself as inventor of the phrase and ensure his place in history forever.
BUT to really know how great Hay-lee “Hellz Bellz” was we’re gonna forget about him for a sec and listen to Neil spit some knowledge.
Neil starts walking, and whenever Neil starts walking you know he’s about to drop some fat truths.
You ready to learn about Isaac Newton? Well buckle the fuck up.
Isaac Newton growing up had a step-dad.
He was a dick, probably, or maybe he just competed for Isaac’s mom’s attention. Definitely banged her though, most likely. And that didn’t fly so well with Newty.
Newty’s two favorite hobbies at the time were yelling “You’re not my real dad!” and doing science. At the age of ten he made his first groundbreaking discovery in the latter.
Newton discovered that all sunlight is gay.
Fast forward to Newt’s college years and school sucks, he has no friends, and he’s constantly pissed off because some science jackamole has stolen his idea about the sun being into dudes (or something).
That science jackamole’s name was Hooke.
He was ugly as fuck and also the guy that discovered the cell. But mostly he was ugly. And also he had at this point changed science forever with his discoveries. And the world. But did I mention he was ugly?
Newton hates Hooke’s ass with a fury usually reserved for stepdads and so to get back at him he slam dunks the biggest science equation discovery in the history of the fucking world and Hooke chokes on that big nerd dick discovery and dies.
To celebrate Newton throws the only picture of Hooke’s face, the only picture that exists in the entire universe and the reason we don’t know what he looked like today, into a fire.
It is unknown whether or not Newton teabags the painting’s ashes afterwards or takes a giant dump on them but it is widely agreed upon that both are likely true.
Wondering where bad boy Hay-lee Bop figures into all this? Well heeeee was the one that stirred up shit with Isaac Newton and Hooke in the first place.
And if it weren’t for him Newton would’ve never revealed his most panty dropping discovery and we probably wouldn’t have anything cool like the internet, iphones, or fucking space ships today.
So for stirring up shit in a most epic and socially advantageous way (pre-dating Andy Cohen by centuries), Halley has a comet named after him and every some odd years it flies over head.
Here is a picture of some kid in the future pretending to look at the comet.
But we know what he’s really looking at.
-Written by Clinto for Badtvblog (email@example.com)
Bonus scene from the cutting room floor.
And this marks the last of the Mitt Little Brony series (Mitt Romney doc with Brony doc dialogue). Thank you to everyone who said something nice about it and if you missed it go catch up on the full deal over at mittlittlebrony.tumblr.com.
For those wondering I’m not a My Little Pony fan and certainly not a Mitt Romney supporter but what surprised me most doing this project was how much more I liked Mitt Romney as a Brony.
It’s vulnerability. Vulnerability, to say that you love something so many others will judge you strangely for. That, as it turns out, is exactly what is missing from the multimillionaire-man-with-a-perfect-wife-and-a-perfect-life(’s) code.
Yes, both documentaries fail to ask any serious questions of its subjects. Yes, some Bronies might want to fuck cartoon ponies, but that’s an italic “might” and although it would’ve been nice to see some questions raised it really doesn’t matter to me one way or the other if they do. On the other hand I do know what Romney wants to fuck and that’s women’s reproductive rights and programs for the poor. Boom haha didn’t think I was gonna sneak in a jab there but I saw the opportunity and took it (pats republican friends on back) sorry about that.
Anyways it was a labor of love and I feel lucky that so many people enjoyed it. I hope everyone out there is doing fine. I’ll end this little journal entry how I ended the MLB project: “Be good to those around you whether they’re into ponys, furries, or republican candidates. We’re all we got.” And I mean that. Love. -Clinto
Mitt Romney doc pt2
We all knew the campaign trail was hard but not like this.
I present to you the season finale of Dogg With a Blog.
"There Can Only Be One G"
Written and directed by myself.
Starring Snoop Dogg and Stan the dog from Dog With a Blog.
Shit is getting real on Dogg With a Blog
If you don’t think I can stretch this joke into a 3 part comic then you got another thing coming. And by another thing I mean Dogg With A Blog parts 1-3.
So Amazon has this new ad campaign where they encourage you to flirt with their IT people.
I cannot see how this could go wrong.
The suspense is killing me.
This one’s for you Uncle Blazer.