Awww thanks kittycatt! Carrie told me to tell u it’s coming! and that she loves her fans like she loves her goggle baby. -Clinto
Teen Mom Does Anal: Stretching Out The Other Hole
Teen Mom Does Anal: In Lieu of a Hole More Vile/Profitable That Hasn’t Been Evolved Yet On Humans
Teen Mom Does Anal: Thank God You Can’t Have Children That Way
Teen Mom Does Anal: The Prequel To Teen Mom Does A Lot of Meth
I don’t want to live in a future where this isn’t hanging in the American History museum.
The truest words ever spoken on Teen Mom.
Oh good, we’re starting with Farrah this episode. Let’s just jump right in. Firstly - good lord is Farrah’s neighbor gross. Also, “he has a dog so I think I kind of like him” may not be the best reasoning to date someone. And onto their date. Is that a Tapout shirt? Excellent choice. He basically is embodying the state of Florida in every way but is also somehow STILL too good for Farrah. It’s Farrah’s birthday and Sophia squeaking happy birthday at her is pretty adorable. They then get escorted around the zoo and ride a carousel with no music which wildly offends Farrah. Tapout Mcgoo takes her to dinner where she sexily eats ribs and says what she likes least about Florida is how relaxed poeple are.
Also, she immediately leaves Sophia with a rando neighbor to go on her date. Come on, Farrah, did you learn nothing from Casey Anthony’s obviously fake story? You don’t leave your tiny baby with a random neighbor! Anyway, Tapout continues to ask her asinine questions about god knows what and I hate them both.
Butch is getting out of jail and staying with Tyler and Catelynn. Butch is somehow 100x butchier than he was the last go around, and I’m not even sure how that’s possible. Is he actively trying to look and act like a horrifically old Joe Dirt? Butch is again being a terrible person and not checking in with Tyler and doing what he wants, and should probably just get out of my precious Tyler’s life immediately.
Butch finally comes back after like, days out, and eats pizza and is breaking Tyler’s heart. He’s like oh it won’t happen again but we’re all pretty sure it’s gonna happen in the next episode, right? Right.
Okay, I take it back, JJ the hot rehab dude isn’t that hot from far away. I now think his hotness is an optical illusion created by sitting close to Amber. She is still sporting that face diamond, and apparently self tanner is not contraband in rehab. Good to know. Gary and Leah come to visit Amber. Amber is dressed up in her Miss Piggy finest, and Gary’s wearing his very best Brooklyn Hunting Club t-shirt (that’s not a thing), but at least in California it’s actually t-shirt weather. Amber and Gary go to therapy with the fake hot rehab guy, who now looks like a goddamn model sitting near Gary.
As per usual they get nothing accomplished and Amber storms off in a huff, saying Gary wears his heart where his dick is? Come on, that doesn’t even make sense. Also, ew. Also I stopped paying attention and I think Amber asked Gary to go steady? Is that still a thing? Again…ew.
Maci is on a dream vacation with Ryan, Ryan’s awesome tattoo, and Dallas. She’s dressed like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad but that’s cool I guess.
So she shows up with her army of skanks to meet Dallas, who all stand around probably making Dallas wildly uncomfortable. Bentley cries when Ryan leaves, which is totally how I feel when Ryan’s not in the scene anymore too. Bentley expresses this by peeing on Maci. Well done, Bentley. That’s a classic Ryan move if I’ve ever seen one. It’s then family photo time, in which Maci makes the classy choice of rocking a bandana. I’m 99% sure I have that shirt that Dallas is wearing, and dare I say it…Dallas seems kind of cool? Or like a total instigator that’s trying to stir up drama between Maci and Ryan by making them all go out together? Hard to say. But we have the same shirt, so I’m leaning towards cool.
Maci and her army of skanks go to dinner before going out, and it becomes increasingly clear that Maci is planning on eating Dallas alive. Ryan is like uhhh no w’ere not and it marks the first good decision Ryan has ever made.
So, guys, what do we think? Is Butch somehow more horrifying or is it just me? Do you still go steady with people? Namely, Gary? How bad does this season of The Real World look?
Episode Three: Sarah McLachlan’s Gonna Be Pissed.
Episode 1 Recap
Oooo boy kids, did this supersized Teen Mom have it all. Divorce, tie-dye, a GOGGLE FREE GOGGLE BABY, cheating, lying, weed, more sweatpants! I laughed, I cried, I learned very little. Let’s get it done.
Full Teen Mom recap goes up tonight at 6. Tell ur friends. This is just a preview…
I can't wait for the Teen Mom recap! I impatiently wait for it every week :)